Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.