But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
went fishing caught a bass
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No