But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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Essential viewing in these troubled times.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I am HOWLING at this
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.