People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.