What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
notice
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Shoo shoo! 😂
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Just a bush.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.