me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
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The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
no refunds
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Coffee for people with no kids
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Do not steal food from the science building!
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again