Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
You Might Also Like
This why you should mind your business
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.