they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Just a friendly reminder!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*