but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*