but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
All. The. Damn. Time.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*me flirting
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down