Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
🤣🤣🤣
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
necessity is the mother of invention
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”