I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.