@CarolinaSong: BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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@NotJPo: I just ate so much Chinese food that now I'm able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.
@economybacon: "My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat.." Um, don't you mean "Lava"? "...like warm hill pee"
@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@thelaurenobrien: How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?