BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.