@theshamingofjay: But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos
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@UncleDuke1969: *wakes up at the crack of Dawn* *instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
@murrman5: [roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you "why not" why would you "it'll be fine" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
@chrisviccaro: You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
@Coolisiana: *saves baby from burning building* "How can I ever repay you?!" Favstar in the bio "Oh I don't have Twi-" *returns baby to burning building*