I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
hackers play passwordle
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.