Butt weight. There’s more!
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS