Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.