[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You Might Also Like
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i