@markleggett: Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
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@iwearaonesie: [leaving birthday party] wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids* me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
@POTerritory: Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink? Me: Yes, it's a period piece.
@RocketRankoon: Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]