@markleggett: Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
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@LackOfShame: [Call from cell company] We can give you 15 gigs for $100 Me: Excellent! *Puts the band back together
@shutupmikeginn: 'Pampers' is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
@JiminyKicksIt: Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."