Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.