[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now