The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
You Might Also Like
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
This is Sparta
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
#catsoftwitter
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.