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No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it