@RealDMK: Buy followers?
No thanks. I'm married so I spend enough money on people I don't talk to
@kumailn: "Thank you for coming."
"It was mandatory."
@iamledgin: Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal - decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
@ashleycrem: I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
@fillthevacuum: Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
@TheTweetOfGod: Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.