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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.