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@Token_Geezer: Buy one annoying person, get two free!
@AbbyHasIssues: *Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?
@TweetPotato314: Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
@wolfpupy: if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
@MomofTeen: Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.