Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.