Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
this came to me in a vision
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”