Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]