Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.