Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally