@Moldy_Jellybean: Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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@longwall26: Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag. *suspect puts face in hands* Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED
@shutupmikeginn: It's goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. "Your secret is well guarded... behind a zipper"
@meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name