@Moldy_Jellybean: Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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@HrBry: Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
@kirkfox: Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I'd like to see the work I've done before it's violently ripped from my view. #life
@CopBroughtPizza: gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*