[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
This will never not be funny 😭
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”