[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet