I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.