“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Brands during Pride
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good