[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Investing in beetcoin
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!