@Thynebear: [buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
@Reverend_Scott: Meanwhile, at the bar: Batman: "Whisky." Aquaman: "Appletini." "WHAT?" "It's vodka, apple schnapps..." "You're off the Justice League."
@remmarg_yelsel: With Instagram's new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
@SortaBad: I have a friend who doesn't drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser