@Thynebear: [buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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@DanielRCarrillo: If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
@kevnasto: I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.
@julie2288: The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go... Especially when they're 19 and STILL can't remember to flush a toilet.