[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.