[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Perfect.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!