“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.