me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you