[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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They must have gotten it to go.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.