Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
…u ok Nintendo?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies