*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.