[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*bites zombie*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.