*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
🤔😂😂
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
bugs when you lift up a rock
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal