*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
asking santa clause for nudes
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.