*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.