*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.