Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.