Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
that wasn’t the question
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato