*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!